Seeking approval from others is something many of us do unconsciously every day. We are unknowingly giving away our power and ignoring our own instincts in order to find out what other people think is best for us. While some people can take or leave what others say like water off a ducks back, it can be confidence crushing and have hugely negative impacts on others.
What is it that you are hoping for when you ask for the opinion of someone else?
How often do you ask someone else, maybe a partner, friend or colleague, for their thoughts on something you are doing or thinking about? Does this dress make me look fat? Should I use this font for my cover letter? What career path should I choose? Should I accept this position or keep looking? Why can’t I lose weight? Where should we go for dinner? Are you getting the point here, these are all examples of seeking approval from others.
Maybe you want to avoid the responsibility for making the ‘wrong’ decision, much easier to have someone to point the finger at if you choose wrong. Worse still, it is possible that you have lost touch with who you really are and are wanting feedback to ensure you fit in with the expectations of those around you.
Why do you think someone else has the answer?
At what point did you stop trusting your own judgement and decide that everyone else around you knew better. Most of us could probably not pinpoint when we began seeking approval from others as it has been a habit ingrained in us for so long that it feels perfectly normal.
Constructive feedback can be incredibly valuable. Problem is that most of us ask for this feedback from people not qualified to give it. If we truly were seeking an impartial critique of something we would probably not ask our best friends, mother or people too close to us to be unbiased. Often their feedback will be unconsciously motivated by their own desires for us.
Why does it matter what other people think?
If you want to dye your hair platinum blonde does it really matter? Will it make you feel whatever it is you are seeking to feel from doing it? If you choose a job that you love instead of pursuing the money will it make you happy but disappoint others? Do you really want to live your life making other people happy at the expense of your own happiness?
Questions you could ask yourself if you are struggling to make a decision?
- Am I doing this for me or someone else?
- What does my intuitions tell me?
- Will I regret my decision?
- Will my decision cause long term harm to myself or anyone else?
- Can I look myself in the eyes in the mirror and feel good about what I am choosing?
- What am I scared of that is causing my doubt?
- Will this matter in 5 years time?
Seeking approval is not something that is being condemned here. It is just important at you look at the reasons behind your need for it. If your confidence is determined by the approval or opinions of others you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of failure and unhappiness. By all means, seek constructive feedback on occasions where it can really benefit you, but for the most part you need to get in tune with your own inner voice. Learn to trust in your own judgement and intuition and the habit of seeking approval will begin to fade away from your life, leaving you feeling stronger and more confident.
